Merry New Year

Chairman Mao wants to wish every laowai merry everyday in the happy new year.
The Chairman will be partying with his good friends Hu Jintao and Wen Jiabao at his private estate.

Post-Xmas

Now that China is finished celebrating Western holiday without religion or tradition, we must get back to business. Chairman Mao has been helping to educating the youth of China with wonderful poetry and nationalism of wonderful China.

Chairman Mao is also very happy that Shanghaiist has found representation of this educational platform worthy of showing to whole world.

Please visit Shanghaiist to watch adorable children of China recite the Chairman's poetry.

Dear Santa

Chairman Mao is anticipating the coming holiday season. Ever since former labor camp volunteer Deng Xiaoping decided China should be open-mindedness to western countries, many Chinese have found other holidays that don't have meaning in 5,000 years history of China. Now days in China, we make all products for laowai Christmas. We make toys, hats, and fake trees.

Many of comrades don't know true meaning of Christmas. Every year some old laowai flies through Chinese airspace, dodges our high technology anti-aircraft missile defense, picks up toys from factories in Shenzhen, and flies to laowai houses all over the world. He even leaves some toys for us Chinese too. I also keep hearing other story about this holiday, but I never found who this Jebus laowai is anyway.

This year, Chairman Mao got his own reindeer and sleigh. Going to deliver Christmas greetings to all laowai in China. I know all laowai in the world celebrate this new holiday.

Poet Mao

In recently times, Chairman Mao made new friend with poet. He's from Vietnam but he's not communist, so he must be a capitalist roader. But, Mao thinks Linh Dinh is nice enough to be praised for poetry. Besides, no poet is true capitalist swine--we all know poets are poorer than farmers. Even Mao was once world-famous poet before becoming great famous leader of China. Linh Dinh and Mao both wrote beautiful poetry together.
Swimming

I drank moment ago water
Changsha's and ate fish Wuchang.
Now I cross Yangtze River's great,
looks far distance place open day Chu.
Let wind and the very rough sea waves the attack defeats,
goes far beyond stands by strolls in a courtyard.
Today, I felt relieved.
“This is a class host says --
'therefore, the matter escapes gradually!' "
The sail moves wind.
Turtle and Snake still in.
Great plan in march:
Bridge will fly to north the span and south,
talked about the profound fissure to turn the thoroughfare;
Rock head wall the upstream western area
will hinder Wushan's cloud and rain
until the smooth level of the lake rise narrow canyon.
Woman deity's mountain area, if she still existing
can exclaim in surprise in the world, in order to change.

The Chairman Orders You

Chairman Mao urges all comrades and foreign devils alike to vote for me. I know this is communism, but some laowai think it good idea to hold democracy in China through little election process to stroke one's ego. Many bloggers in China have poor self image and need reassurances that they aren't worthless. Chairman Mao knows he is great, as is wonderful China. However, Chairman Mao wants to make sure everyone across Chinese-invented magical information Internet super-elevated train to Lhasa mechanism who is still boss of China.

So, go to Chinalyst and tell capitalist swine who is great leader of Internet by clicking little adding sign next to Chairman's blog.

We must defeat the capitalist bloggers! Keep Chinese Internet Communist!

Fitting

Chairman Mao has found a store that fits the concept of "socialism with Chinese characteristics." He has also learned of new English word, "meh." Both of these go together perfectly for the Chairman's Choice of retail outlets.

Shop here for all your needs...sort of.

Chinese Business Model

In China's much impressive rapid economic development model, Chinese stress importance of originality in business. Chairman Mao has encouraged the people of great China to embrace new ideas and develop Western-style businesses with Chinese characteristics to make many money.

We have many wonderful businesses that are original, such as coffee shops (which were invented in China four thousand years ago),

Pizza cafes (which Marco Polo stole from us),

And ice cream parlors (OK, we stole that one from the Mongolians).

Blame Bill Gates

Chairman Mao wants to apologize for his absence following the Beijing Olympic and Paralympic Games. He was very worn out from greeting all the laowai and introducing them to the joys of Moutai baijiu.

To relax, Chairman Mao has been surfing the Internet and enjoying himself in social networking. But all is not well in China computerland. Microsoft gave the Chairman a black screen of death. He can't understand why this would happen when he paid the street vendor 10 Yuan for his new copy of Windoors.

But don't worry, Chairman Mao will be back soonly with new adventures...just as soon as he sends the street vendor and Bill Gates to labor camp.

When Maos Fly

It's amazing how excited people in China get when they see a mao 猫 with wings.

That mao may have wings, but this Mao 毛 can fly.

Thanks Red Bull*.

Red Bull is the Chairman's Choice for energy drinks.

Traditional Treatment

Many laowai visited Beijing for to watch champions of China in glory over capitalist foes. But not all laowai came for games, some came for great Chinese culture of 5,000 years. So many peoples came to Forbidden City in center of China capital.

For laowai who do not know, Forbidden City is where evil feudalist emperors lived in ancient China. But Chairman Mao evicted them from large home. China needed space to house great communist leaders. In ancient times, Forbidden City was forbidden and many people would be killed if they entered Forbidden City.

Chairman Mao didn't like the treatment of peasants by feudal emperors. But, traditions die hard. Instead of killing peasants, we just punched them in stomach. Now, even laowai can experience great tradition of China.

Olympic Hangover

What's a Chairman to do now that Olympic games have left Beijing? What is great dragon China to do with all those Olympic signs?

Chairman Mao has decided to take a rest from watching nonstop sports on CCTV. But, he'll be ready for Paralympic games coming soon. Once again, glorious motherland will rule the sports world and crush capitalist laowai on the field.

Mao has secret plan to defeat those imperialists this time. We have recruited Fuwa. Of course, we had to break their arms and legs after all those disasters that they caused, but they have been rehabilitated to win gold for the glory of China.

Pure Gold

Chairman Mao has been celebrating great China's success in Beijing Olympics. I told you only strong Chinese can survive in Beijing air.
Although watching athletes in glory for motherland is fun, Chairman Mao went for his own gold to beat imperialists at own game. It's not important how old Chairman Mao is, or who lip-synched what anthem, or what sport he kicked capitalist ass in. What's important is that only gold matters to great socialism of China and glorious 5,000 years civilization.

Secret Chicken Agent

Chairman Mao made a new laowai friend in Guangzhou. Met old foreign colonel who offered some fried chicken from crazy foreign land called Kentucky. I don't know where this Kentucky is, but they grow some tasty chickens there.

After drinking mint juleps in hot Guangdong weather, Chairman Mao could not coax Col. Sanders to hand over state secret recipe for making delicious chicken. Damn the capitalist pigs! Great China will discover secret of chicken and conquer your fast food chain.

Please Report

Note to all laowai wanting to visit great China capital of Beijing for Olympic games: You must obey our socialist-with-Chinese-characteristics laws and serve our harmonious society. If you do not know the rules, please report to our specially-equipped Public Security Bureau offices for laowai without a clue. You can easily find these offices with our new and improved English signs.

When Encountering Laowai

My glorious government of the People's Republic of China has released new guidelines to comrades in the event that they want to approach laowai who enter great land of 5,000 years history. Comrades must be careful not reveal national secrets, but also make laowai feel warmly welcome to spend much money.

1. Do not ask laowai about jobs, money, family unless you can sell to them.
2. Always say "Hello" loadly and clearly to make laowai from all countries know they are warmly welcome in China.
3. Don't ask if laowai can use chopsticks. Just give them plastic knife and fork.
4. Always offer Tsingtao in exchange for pleasant conversation that lasts more than 10 minutes.
5. Don't talk about Fuwa curse.
6. Pretend you don't speak English when any political topic comes up--even if you've been speaking English for last 20 minutes.
7. Laowai can't and never will speak Chinese, so speak to all people of all nations in English.
8. Laowai will always ask directions to McDonald's. You must know where the nearest one is.
9. It is polite to ask for tip after providing directions to McDonald's to fat laowai.
10. If you stare at a foreigner for more than 5 minutes, you will turn into one.

Shirt of the Times

It's good thing Chairman Mao learning English from fat laowai. Looks like loyal minions are now worshiping glorious leader in new language.

But shirts only come in fat people sizes. Don't fit Mao. Maybe make fat capitalist roaders wear it.

Getting Up for Olympics

Chairman Mao is very satisfied that big Olympics are coming in Beijing. Very happy that Chinese genetically enhanced superhuman athletes have new ways to beat foreign devils. We will erect many monuments in their honor. Many laowai just can't do it in Beijing. But now, Chairman Mao has learned that Viagra can enhance athletic performance in bedroom and on field. All athletes will surely show their enthusiasm this August.

Fire-Breathing Poetry Lovers

Today is Dragon Boat Festival. We celebrate the death of great poet Qu Yuan who was eated by fish despite great Chinese technological technique of throwing rice in water to distract stupid fishes. Nowadays, Dragon Boat Festival is day to row boats and fight dragons that breathe fire and burn our boats by throwing zongzi at them. Maybe we should make boats out of metal.

Fight the dragon splittists! Preserve harmonious society for dragons and boats alike!

Environmentarianism

Chairman Mao says that it is the responsibility of the people to protect the environment.

This Is Not Funny

Chairman Mao would like to extend condolences to the people affected by the earthquake in Sichuan Province.

For anyone looking to help the relief effort, please visit the Red Cross Society of China.
Online donations: www.redcross.org.cn

Book of Regret

Why did I agree to let Quan Yanchi write this book? It was my PR specialist's idea. I should've just sent them both to a labor camp.

Mao-opoly

I love playing the Chinese edition of Monopoly. I always win. I own everything. My competition always gets sent to labor camp. But when did they take my face off the money? What do you mean it's not real money?

Friendlies Day

There are less than 100 days until the Beijing Olympics. Excitement is building as the "Holy Flame" has arrived on Chinese soil. Chairman Mao was invited for a photo op with the FuWa. He's very disappointed that he wasn't chosen to carry the torch through Beijing.

Driving On

There are many road rules in China that laowai don't understand. They think our drivers have no rules and just drive along as they please, but they're wrong. We have a long and difficult driving test to ensure that our millions of drivers must take the exam many times before passing. Examples can be found at China Drivers Exam.

Wealth of Communism

This business seminar is Communist approved by the Chairman himself.

Mao in the City

We now return to our great leader's adventures in America...

After days of travel in New York, I want to find Big Apple I keep seeing. Everywhere it write, "Big Apple." All I see are small apples in shops. Where is this big apple everyone talks about?

I started looking on other side of river in New Jersey. All I saw was many tall buildings in the city. No big apple. And it wasn't in Jersey City either.

After other side of the river, we tried to go through streets. We saw many things of America. Big famous ice skating rink outside was very nice. There are many communist art inside that capitalist building too. But still no big apple.

I thought capitalists must hide such a big apple in Wall Street. After all, that's where all money is to buy such fruit. But still no. I was very upset to not find big apple of New York. But I did get to ride the bull. Weeee!

Sweeping Up

Today is Qingming Jie. To you laowai, it mean Tomb Sweeping Day. This glorious day has a long and famous history just as the glorious history of China. As is known by all Chinese, on this day we clean the tombs to appease our ancestors in the hopes that they won't turn into zombies and eat our brains. It's always scary when that happens.

So, go out and sweep the graves. Make offerings to your ancestors. We don't want more zombies like we had in 1959. It did not help our young communism at the time. Caused many panic across great Chinese motherland. We had to sweep mother's tomb so that she would go back to sleep and not terrorize the proletariat.

Fight the zombie separatists! Preserve the harmonious society!

Fooled You

Laowai are easy to fool. See, they look at Chairman Mao's blog. Now I must get back to watching the Olympic torch on CCTV. It's a 24-hour news event!

Eating the Big Apple

For many days I find I can't eat Chinese food in America. I see many Chinese, but all restaurants taste bad. Do all Chinese move to America and forget how to cook? Who's General Tso and why does he make chicken?

Because I can't eat Chinese food, I have to eat laowai food. There are many kinds of food in New York I find. I was surprised not all laowai eat at KFC and McDonald's. I saw not many people eating lots of hamburgers and fried food. They tell lies in China.
I found good food at little restaurant across river from city. I had difficult time ordering because it was in laowai language that wasn't English. So, I ordered one of everything. They said food came from foreign land below America--I forget name. Why do they speak English but have menu in other laowai writing? Anyway, it tasted good but needed more spicy.

We finished off the day at very old bar in city. Bars in China don't look like this. I was very unhappy, they did not have Tsingtao. There also were no dice to play drinking game with.

Living Like a Laowai in Lower Manhattan

For some reason, laowai all have to work during Chinese New Year. Why don't they have holiday like all of China? I had to tour New York without the help of my laowai friends. It was very difficult to order laowai food at restaurant. Who is Reuben and why is in my sandwich? Tasted just so-so. I saw many pizza restaurant, but not Pizza Hut. I thought all laowai only ate that pizza. Everyone tells me to eat at Ray's, but too many Ray's to choose.

I took a walk around the city to find the New York Public Library. It's very big and free. I can't believe laowai trust others to return books. I always like to educate more, and reading make improvement. Like I used to say, "Good good study day day up!"

I was very tiring after long flight from China and time with Liberty lady yesterday.

Chairman Hits City; City Stands and Takes It

Chairman Mao has returned from his extended trip to the United States. It was not a good will mission, nor was it diplomatic in any way. It was his holiday, and he did what he wanted. Here are his thoughts:

Greetings comrades,

This was first trip for me to see meiguo. For some reason they like to call it America. Why can't they use Chinese name? Anyway, my laowai friends invited me to visit the big city of New York. I had difficult time following laowai friend because there are too many other laowai in New York.

Our first stop was the big green lady in the river. What's her name again? Oh yeah, Liberty.

I thought it rude that the lady in the water showed me her back side. When we first arrived.

But she made up for it later. She really is a classy lady, but she's too old for Chairman Mao.
Next episode: Chairman does Lower Manhattan.

Chairman's Holiday

Chairman Mao is on holiday in Foreignland America. He's busy seeing the sights on his first visit to the country--the journey will take him around New York, Washington, and other laowai places. He'll share his thoughts and manifestos with his fans as soon as he finds the time.

Beer of Choice

I am new spokes-chairman for greatest Chinese beer company in the world. Great stock choice too. Tsingtao beer is the Chairman's choice. Cheers to comrades and laowai! 干杯！

On the Road with Chairman Mao

I asked MTV to pimp my ride and they gave me this. I can drive around China now.

New Year's Message

Chairman Mao has been nursing a baijiu-induced hangover since Christmas. New Year's Eve didn't help with the recovery. The following is his New Year's message to his fans.

My adoring fans,
Even though it is waiguo new year, China likes celebrate festivals too. We will have Spring Festival soon to celebrate our glorious new year of the rat. 2007 is history. History is the past. Let us look to future. 2008 is now. It is the year of China and year of Olympics in China. Let us warmly welcome our laowai friends and tourist money to see great China history of 5000 years. We will conquer our enemies on the sports field. Only strong Chinese athletes can survive Beijing in summer.