Thursday, July 24, 2008

When Encountering Laowai

My glorious government of the People's Republic of China has released new guidelines to comrades in the event that they want to approach laowai who enter great land of 5,000 years history. Comrades must be careful not reveal national secrets, but also make laowai feel warmly welcome to spend much money.

  1. Do not ask laowai about jobs, money, family unless you can sell to them.
  2. Always say "Hello" loadly and clearly to make laowai from all countries know they are warmly welcome in China.
  3. Don't ask if laowai can use chopsticks. Just give them plastic knife and fork.
  4. Always offer Tsingtao in exchange for pleasant conversation that lasts more than 10 minutes.
  5. Don't talk about Fuwa curse.
  6. Pretend you don't speak English when any political topic comes up--even if you've been speaking English for last 20 minutes.
  7. Laowai can't and never will speak Chinese, so speak to all people of all nations in English.
  8. Laowai will always ask directions to McDonald's. You must know where the nearest one is.
  9. It is polite to ask for tip after providing directions to McDonald's to fat laowai.
  10. If you stare at a foreigner for more than 5 minutes, you will turn into one.

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