Thursday, July 7, 2011

Back from the Dead

Former Chairman Jiang Zemin loves playing practical jokes. And everyone fell for it once again.

During great Chinese Communist Party 90th birthday party with Chinese Socialist characteristics, Jiang played hide and seek with paparazzi. He also planted secret message in Hu Jintao's speech to public. If you play the speech backwards it says, "Jiang Zemin is dead." and then gives great recipe for sweet and sour pork. After few days, the joke got out of hand with rumors flying from the evil Western media propaganda news makers. So, Jiang brought himself back from the dead by drinking vitality baijiu made from seahorses and snake blood.

Jiang Zemin's other great practical jokes with Chinese characteristics:

  • In June 1989, he promised to give students everything they long as it didn't bring shame to their parents.
  • He said it was perfectly safe to sell blood in Henan province. The following year he erased Henan from the maps so journalists couldn't find it.
  • He said the Great Firewall of China was to keep out Mongolian hackers.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Great Breasts Forward

According to Shanghaiist, the CEO of a housekeeping company has become certified to massage women's breasts. Xia Jun had to go through three months of intensive breast fondling training on interns before paying for his license to fondle women for pay. It is expected that Mr. Xia will provide all female employees with pre- and post-meeting breast massages.

Chairman Mao is confident that Mr. Xia's expertise in breast fondling will make everyone at his company more happier. It is expected to improve morale in his company and reduce the number of mistresses employed by executives. It will improve his female employee attractiveness more than the glorious Chinese invention of the Boob Clamp!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Everyone Has a Day

Happy Mistress Day!

Celebrate this glorious celebration of women that wealthy business and political leaders found at KTV with the purchase of genuine Louie Voitton pleather purses and man-purses.

Tell your mistress, "I think you're swell and younger than the mother of my government-approved one child. We'll stay together until I find someone younger and more gullible."

Friday, January 21, 2011

Hu Visits Foreignland

Harmonious Chinese leader Hu Jintao is on visiting trip to Foreignland to have dinner with Obama. It is historical vacationing for President Hu. He is discussing details of glorious economical deals with Foreignland. While foreigners complaining about intellectual property, Hu is responding thusly, "In 5000 years history of harmonious China, all your inventions are our intellectual property as was discovered during Huang Dynasty. You owe us royalties plus interest." Obama agreed to continue advertising campaign for BlockBerry, and will now replace Jackie Chan in selling toxic healthy chemical Bawang anti-hairloss shampoo.

The state dinner event was eventful. Foreigners did not extend enough courtesy to visitors from great China though. How can we eat steak and lobster with chopsticks? And why were staff so upset about throwing lobster shells on the floor? After dinner, we went to Chinatown to eat real food and sing karaoke.