Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Royal Realty

House prices are getting higher and higher in China nowadays. Chairman Mao can barely afford to buy more houses in Beijing. It's gotten so out of hand that even the King of Englishland is dealing in Chinese real estate.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

From Copenhagen

Chairman Mao is back from great climate debate where we debated the existence of climate in our harmonious society. We determined that it has always been an inseparable part of China and we condemn foreign imperialists trying to taking it from China.

In effortness to further maintain control of what belongs to China, we want to encourage all comrades of severe punishments for hurting our climate.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Just a Suggestion

Chairman Mao wants to remind comrades to keeping warm when the weather getting colder. But be safe when warming selfs and always be guided to warming properly.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Snowy Goodness

Snowman Mao wants to remind comrades to stay warm while the government controls the weather in an effort to create a more harmonious society. Mao doesn't need to remind laowai about staying warm because they're covered in hair to keep them warm in China's winter.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Literary Minds Think Alike

Chairman Mao made a new friend on his recently investment tour of New York in an effort to buy the Brooklyn Bridge and many more landmarks. Laird Hunt is a great socialist laowai writer in Foreignland.
He was in New York to promoting new book, Ray of the Star. Chairman Mao doesn't know what this laowai literature is all about, but judging from the title, it must be about how wonderful China is after Mao chased away those capitalist roaders.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Everyone Loves a Hummer

Chinese are very happy that they can now go out and get a Hummer at the car dealer. Pretty soon everyone in China will be getting hummers in their homes.

Chairman Mao wants everyone to know that Hummer is and always has been an inseparable part of China. It's how we roll in the 'Jing.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Sports Nation

That's right, all your sports are belong to us.

And here's the proof:

Next Olympic games all your medals are belong to us too.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Happy China Anniversary Everyday!

Nobody throws a party like the Chinese Communist Party.

Chairman Mao was sipping baijiu and watching the glorious and harmonious National Day parade through Tiananmen Square. He really enjoying to watch the gloriousness and harmoniousness of China's 60th birthday since Mao came up with the wonderful idea of creating glorious and harmonious China.

Just like on Americaland's Thanksgiving, China pardons many pigeons from joining dinner settings. But, people rejoice as they have many other delicious animals to choosing from.
On this glorious day, everyone should be remember the important service of the ice cream men.
Not pictured: the group of "other" political party members before they marched back to prison.

And Chairman Mao's personal favorite highlight of the harmonious parade. Only the best soldiers can wear sexy boots in battle.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Wedding Wars

The wedding is a great Chinese tradition that dates back to ancient times when capitalist roaders called emporers ruled great China. In much places the groom is beaten by friends and family to prevent him from ruining his life by marrying a controlling women. These friends and families just want the man to have baijiu and sing karaoke instead. But, man will overcoming these obstacles and marry pretty girl anyway.
In some places, the efforts of friends and family can be brutal. Some grooms have had to call in the PLA for backup. Love is hell.

Chairman Mao supports the bride the groom fighting capitalist roaders on the way to matrimonials. 加油!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

For the Students

The new school year will be begin soonly. Chairman Mao agrees that students are the future of Chinese civilization. We must help them succeeding by giving them all we can. Chairman Mao is glad to see hospitals helping out, especially in bad economy climate.
If you show your student ID, this hospital will provide abortions at 50% off the regular price. Bad credit, no credit, no problem.

Friday, August 14, 2009


As Chairman Mao has said before, China is at the forefront of ecological conservationary environmentaltarianism. All around China, people are caring about the environment by hugging trees. The newest development in the great 5,000-year-old developing country is the ecological toilet.

Chairman Mao doesn't understand the witchcraft involved in the development of plumbing that goes somewhere, but Hu Jintao has assured me that those pipes do not pollute the mainland (but they might lead to the rebellious island off the east coast).
Let us all enjoy the magicianry of saving the environments.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Harmonious Media Control Mechanism

Everyone knows that China has all the money. Everyone is begging great China to buy out the recession. We are doing our part to maintain harmonious society wherever society exist.

This week China bought America's Finest News Source, The Onion. Chinese like onions. We invented newspapers and onions, so why not buy the newspaper named for both inventions. Now great American newspaper is in the hands of socialists with Chinese characteristics.

All will marvel at China's achievement in newspapery! Chairman Mao, as head of the editorial department, will be a beacon of enlightenment, driving out all the foreign hostility toward China from the "news." We will be fair and balanced in our assessment of all things newsy. We will be the harmonious media control mechanism!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

The Secret to Great Tasting Fish

Many laowai thinks China is polluted. But laowai invented pollution and forced their capitalist agenda on great China. Any pollution in China is all laowai's fault--we never had any before opening and reforming brought those devils in. That's why Chairman Mao kept all laowai out of China. But China doesn't really have pollutionary problem today. We still have best tasty fish in the world. And that smell from our rivers only serves to remind us of great stinky tofu (tastes as good as it stinks).

Friday, July 3, 2009

Freedom Days!

Chairman Mao cannot understand why Canadia and Americaland celebrating same freedom from Englandland on two days so close to each other. Why does one country need two freedom celebrations? Strange customs some laowai has.

Here's wishing you happy America everyday!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Economic Recovery

China is at the forefront of economy recoverization in the world. Chairman Mao supports the great efforts of the Communist Party in creating harmonious economics.
As part of our recovery program, we must help other countries so that they may help China's economy. We made advertising deals with world leaders--starting with Obama and our newest BlockBerry technology product. All proceeds from these advertisings will go toward improving China's economy, which will benefit the world when we have enough money to buy everyone.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

About Dam Time

Chairman Mao thinking it's about time great Chinese socialism embraces technological advancements like Green Dam. We want to move China toward green economy. This wonderfully technology will help everyone embrace harmoniousness online. We don't want that Western biased news or anything very violent, very yellow (that's why it's green).

There are concerns that there are security risks with this new software. Mao wants to say that these risks are intended so Public Security Bureau can better monitor every user in China to help maintain harmony and socialism with Chinese characteristics.

There are also concerns that Green Dam is pirated code. Mao wants to point out that China doesn't have pirates. We send many navies to Africa to fight pirates from stealing our code. Besides, the computer was invented in China in 1643, and therefore all computer codes are belong to us.

Thursday, June 4, 2009


Today is June 4, 2009.

On this date in Chinese history a lot of things happened. The first solar eclipse occurred in China in in 781 BC, thus proving that China invented the sun and the eclipse. Emporer Huizong died in 1135. As did Zhang Zuolin. Seems a lot of people died on this day.

But no one in China died on this date in 1989.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Not To Steal the Person

This is a public service announcement from the Chairman.

Identity theft is on the raising in China. Please alert the authorities whenever someone tries to steal you in public.
Remembering: Safety frist!

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Flower Everyone

With everyone in the world going green with China envy, the environment wants to enjoy everybody in return. When you getting in trouble, the flowers and trees will protect you. They are great guards of the motherland, striking down those with great bias against great China.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Bringing Back the Eunuchs

During great moments in Chinese communist history with Chinese characteristics, Chairman Mao threw away eunuchs from the Forbidden City (along with other useless parts). Mao only wanted pretty girls wandering through his Forbidden City (which is why it was forbidden).

It seems that some businessmen in Singapore are bringing back the eunuch practice with help from their "secretaries." Foreign Devil news reports that a woman bit off her boss' penis while providing her secretarial duties in the parked car.

Chairman Mao wants to remind all comrades to practicing safe sex and prevent the re-introduction of eunuchs to Chinese society.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Chinglish the Bodyguard

Chairman Mao demands all comrades to protect the great culturality of Chinglish that has existed in China for 5000 years. I agree wiht China Daily columnist that Chinglish is not a cheap joke for waiguoren.

Mao hole-heartedly agrees with comrade commentator Huaqiqiao when he says, "English great language, but not perfect. Too much rubbish, too much big talk, too much paraphernalia, too much filibluster, too much soliloquies, too much French. We Chinese must help English friends improve their language, so we Chinese must keep on gurgitating Chinglish. Go Chinglish Go!" Mao believes English should delete all French from English until French stop talking to China's enemies.

Comrades are also encouraged to visit beautiful city of Yangshuo and order delicious dishes from Chinglish menus. The Chairman's Choice for best dishes include The Sauce Explodes the Chicken Rabbit, Yellow Cooks in a Covered Vessel the Beer Chicken, and Randomly Cooks.

Monday, March 2, 2009


While in Americaland for foreign friendship tour, Chairman Mao got to discuss internationally economics with former laowai president Sam Adams. We talked China's intellectual property of 5000 year old inventions and copyright infringement repayments by the all laowai that stole great China's technological advances. President Sam offered Mao beer. It tasted pretty good, but it was obviously pirated brewing technology of Tsingtao.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Seeking Diplomacy

Chairman Mao is visiting foreignland Americaland to coincide with foreign lady Clinton visiting China.

This goodwill tour of Americaland will focus on the need for relationships in relation to economical crisis that threatens all people to lose their jobs. Mao wants to help foreign devils friends, but only if they meet demands respect rights of China.

The first stop on the tour is to see the White House.
What do you mean this isn't the White House? Every Chinese tour book says it is!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Living the Dream

Chairman Mao would like to remind everyone that experience is not necessary to construct or live in a villa in China. No experience, no problem!

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Fire Water of Vietnam

Even Chairman Mao is a little confused by the Chinglish on this sign. I guess we're not supposed to cook the fish we catch in the river.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Follow Hu

China is at the forefront of harmony in the world. Our society follows the example of Mr. Hu Jintao and his pledge to be harmoniousness. We believe in alternative lifestyle living harmony in our society side by side.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Happy Cows

Let us warmly welcome our niu year and its golden calf. All over China, we will wear red underwear to show the evil spirits how lucky we are.

Spring Festival has very long history in long history of China. Tonight all Chinese families will gather to watch CCTV special program. This tradition dates back to Tang Dynasty and the establishment and world-famous invention CCTV.

After wonderful and glorious performances for billions of Chinese everywhere, we will play fireworks in the air to scare away evil ghosts that will steal our money. But before we play fireworks, we must toast with tasty baijiu. Gan Bei!

Friday, January 9, 2009

Panda Feed

China has admitted that the bamboo forests that keep our ancient national animal fat and healthy are dwindling because China has many people. Chairman Mao is very sad about thinning pandas. It is of national pride that we make sacrifices for the great panda of China.

Our solution to the problem is a new panda feeding program. Mao urges all comrades to make a great leap forward over the zoo fence and feed the panda! Panda likes the taste of human flesh.

This is very healthy alternative for cuddly critter panda. Humans are high in protein and only contain trace amounts of Melamine.