Thursday, July 31, 2008

Secret Chicken Agent

Chairman Mao made a new laowai friend in Guangzhou. Met old foreign colonel who offered some fried chicken from crazy foreign land called Kentucky. I don't know where this Kentucky is, but they grow some tasty chickens there.

After drinking mint juleps in hot Guangdong weather, Chairman Mao could not coax Col. Sanders to hand over state secret recipe for making delicious chicken. Damn the capitalist pigs! Great China will discover secret of chicken and conquer your fast food chain.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Please Report

Note to all laowai wanting to visit great China capital of Beijing for Olympic games: You must obey our socialist-with-Chinese-characteristics laws and serve our harmonious society. If you do not know the rules, please report to our specially-equipped Public Security Bureau offices for laowai without a clue. You can easily find these offices with our new and improved English signs.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

When Encountering Laowai

My glorious government of the People's Republic of China has released new guidelines to comrades in the event that they want to approach laowai who enter great land of 5,000 years history. Comrades must be careful not reveal national secrets, but also make laowai feel warmly welcome to spend much money.

  1. Do not ask laowai about jobs, money, family unless you can sell to them.
  2. Always say "Hello" loadly and clearly to make laowai from all countries know they are warmly welcome in China.
  3. Don't ask if laowai can use chopsticks. Just give them plastic knife and fork.
  4. Always offer Tsingtao in exchange for pleasant conversation that lasts more than 10 minutes.
  5. Don't talk about Fuwa curse.
  6. Pretend you don't speak English when any political topic comes up--even if you've been speaking English for last 20 minutes.
  7. Laowai can't and never will speak Chinese, so speak to all people of all nations in English.
  8. Laowai will always ask directions to McDonald's. You must know where the nearest one is.
  9. It is polite to ask for tip after providing directions to McDonald's to fat laowai.
  10. If you stare at a foreigner for more than 5 minutes, you will turn into one.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Shirt of the Times

It's good thing Chairman Mao learning English from fat laowai. Looks like loyal minions are now worshiping glorious leader in new language.

But shirts only come in fat people sizes. Don't fit Mao. Maybe make fat capitalist roaders wear it.