Freedom Days!

Chairman Mao cannot understand why Canadia and Americaland celebrating same freedom from Englandland on two days so close to each other. Why does one country need two freedom celebrations? Strange customs some laowai has.

Here's wishing you happy America everyday!

Economic Recovery

China is at the forefront of economy recoverization in the world. Chairman Mao supports the great efforts of the Communist Party in creating harmonious economics.

As part of our recovery program, we must help other countries so that they may help China's economy. We made advertising deals with world leaders--starting with Obama and our newest BlockBerry technology product. All proceeds from these advertisings will go toward improving China's economy, which will benefit the world when we have enough money to buy everyone.

About Dam Time

Chairman Mao thinking it's about time great Chinese socialism embraces technological advancements like Green Dam. We want to move China toward green economy. This wonderfully technology will help everyone embrace harmoniousness online. We don't want that Western biased news or anything very violent, very yellow (that's why it's green).

There are concerns that there are security risks with this new software. Mao wants to say that these risks are intended so Public Security Bureau can better monitor every user in China to help maintain harmony and socialism with Chinese characteristics.

There are also concerns that Green Dam is pirated code. Mao wants to point out that China doesn't have pirates. We send many navies to Africa to fight pirates from stealing our code. Besides, the computer was invented in China in 1643, and therefore all computer codes are belong to us.

Anniversaries

Today is June 4, 2009.

On this date in Chinese history a lot of things happened. The first solar eclipse occurred in China in in 781 BC, thus proving that China invented the sun and the eclipse. Emporer Huizong died in 1135. As did Zhang Zuolin. Seems a lot of people died on this day.

But no one in China died on this date in 1989.

Not To Steal the Person

This is a public service announcement from the Chairman.

Identity theft is on the raising in China. Please alert the authorities whenever someone tries to steal you in public.
Remembering: Safety frist!

Flower Everyone

With everyone in the world going green with China envy, the environment wants to enjoy everybody in return. When you getting in trouble, the flowers and trees will protect you. They are great guards of the motherland, striking down those with great bias against great China.

Bringing Back the Eunuchs

During great moments in Chinese communist history with Chinese characteristics, Chairman Mao threw away eunuchs from the Forbidden City (along with other useless parts). Mao only wanted pretty girls wandering through his Forbidden City (which is why it was forbidden).

It seems that some businessmen in Singapore are bringing back the eunuch practice with help from their "secretaries." Foreign Devil news reports that a woman bit off her boss' penis while providing her secretarial duties in the parked car.

Chairman Mao wants to remind all comrades to practicing safe sex and prevent the re-introduction of eunuchs to Chinese society.

Chinglish the Bodyguard

Chairman Mao demands all comrades to protect the great culturality of Chinglish that has existed in China for 5000 years. I agree wiht China Daily columnist that Chinglish is not a cheap joke for waiguoren.

Mao hole-heartedly agrees with comrade commentator Huaqiqiao when he says, "English great language, but not perfect. Too much rubbish, too much big talk, too much paraphernalia, too much filibluster, too much soliloquies, too much French. We Chinese must help English friends improve their language, so we Chinese must keep on gurgitating Chinglish. Go Chinglish Go!" Mao believes English should delete all French from English until French stop talking to China's enemies.

Comrades are also encouraged to visit beautiful city of Yangshuo and order delicious dishes from Chinglish menus. The Chairman's Choice for best dishes include The Sauce Explodes the Chicken Rabbit, Yellow Cooks in a Covered Vessel the Beer Chicken, and Randomly Cooks.

Presidentialtality

While in Americaland for foreign friendship tour, Chairman Mao got to discuss internationally economics with former laowai president Sam Adams. We talked China's intellectual property of 5000 year old inventions and copyright infringement repayments by the all laowai that stole great China's technological advances. President Sam offered Mao beer. It tasted pretty good, but it was obviously pirated brewing technology of Tsingtao.

Seeking Diplomacy

Chairman Mao is visiting foreignland Americaland to coincide with foreign lady Clinton visiting China.

This goodwill tour of Americaland will focus on the need for relationships in relation to economical crisis that threatens all people to lose their jobs. Mao wants to help foreign devils friends, but only if they meet demands respect rights of China.

The first stop on the tour is to see the White House.
What do you mean this isn't the White House? Every Chinese tour book says it is!

Living the Dream

Chairman Mao would like to remind everyone that experience is not necessary to construct or live in a villa in China. No experience, no problem!

Fire Water of Vietnam

Even Chairman Mao is a little confused by the Chinglish on this sign. I guess we're not supposed to cook the fish we catch in the river.

Follow Hu

China is at the forefront of harmony in the world. Our society follows the example of Mr. Hu Jintao and his pledge to be harmoniousness. We believe in alternative lifestyle living harmony in our society side by side.

Happy Cows

Let us warmly welcome our niu year and its golden calf. All over China, we will wear red underwear to show the evil spirits how lucky we are.

Spring Festival has very long history in long history of China. Tonight all Chinese families will gather to watch CCTV special program. This tradition dates back to Tang Dynasty and the establishment and world-famous invention CCTV.

After wonderful and glorious performances for billions of Chinese everywhere, we will play fireworks in the air to scare away evil ghosts that will steal our money. But before we play fireworks, we must toast with tasty baijiu. Gan Bei!

Panda Feed

China has admitted that the bamboo forests that keep our ancient national animal fat and healthy are dwindling because China has many people. Chairman Mao is very sad about thinning pandas. It is of national pride that we make sacrifices for the great panda of China.

Our solution to the problem is a new panda feeding program. Mao urges all comrades to make a great leap forward over the zoo fence and feed the panda! Panda likes the taste of human flesh.

This is very healthy alternative for cuddly critter panda. Humans are high in protein and only contain trace amounts of Melamine.