Book of Regret

Why did I agree to let Quan Yanchi write this book? It was my PR specialist's idea. I should've just sent them both to a labor camp.

Mao-opoly

I love playing the Chinese edition of Monopoly. I always win. I own everything. My competition always gets sent to labor camp. But when did they take my face off the money? What do you mean it's not real money?

Friendlies Day

There are less than 100 days until the Beijing Olympics. Excitement is building as the "Holy Flame" has arrived on Chinese soil. Chairman Mao was invited for a photo op with the FuWa. He's very disappointed that he wasn't chosen to carry the torch through Beijing.

Driving On

There are many road rules in China that laowai don't understand. They think our drivers have no rules and just drive along as they please, but they're wrong. We have a long and difficult driving test to ensure that our millions of drivers must take the exam many times before passing. Examples can be found at China Drivers Exam.

Wealth of Communism

This business seminar is Communist approved by the Chairman himself.

Mao in the City

We now return to our great leader's adventures in America...

After days of travel in New York, I want to find Big Apple I keep seeing. Everywhere it write, "Big Apple." All I see are small apples in shops. Where is this big apple everyone talks about?

I started looking on other side of river in New Jersey. All I saw was many tall buildings in the city. No big apple. And it wasn't in Jersey City either.

After other side of the river, we tried to go through streets. We saw many things of America. Big famous ice skating rink outside was very nice. There are many communist art inside that capitalist building too. But still no big apple.

I thought capitalists must hide such a big apple in Wall Street. After all, that's where all money is to buy such fruit. But still no. I was very upset to not find big apple of New York. But I did get to ride the bull. Weeee!

Sweeping Up

Today is Qingming Jie. To you laowai, it mean Tomb Sweeping Day. This glorious day has a long and famous history just as the glorious history of China. As is known by all Chinese, on this day we clean the tombs to appease our ancestors in the hopes that they won't turn into zombies and eat our brains. It's always scary when that happens.

So, go out and sweep the graves. Make offerings to your ancestors. We don't want more zombies like we had in 1959. It did not help our young communism at the time. Caused many panic across great Chinese motherland. We had to sweep mother's tomb so that she would go back to sleep and not terrorize the proletariat.

Fight the zombie separatists! Preserve the harmonious society!

Fooled You

Laowai are easy to fool. See, they look at Chairman Mao's blog. Now I must get back to watching the Olympic torch on CCTV. It's a 24-hour news event!

Eating the Big Apple

For many days I find I can't eat Chinese food in America. I see many Chinese, but all restaurants taste bad. Do all Chinese move to America and forget how to cook? Who's General Tso and why does he make chicken?

Because I can't eat Chinese food, I have to eat laowai food. There are many kinds of food in New York I find. I was surprised not all laowai eat at KFC and McDonald's. I saw not many people eating lots of hamburgers and fried food. They tell lies in China.
I found good food at little restaurant across river from city. I had difficult time ordering because it was in laowai language that wasn't English. So, I ordered one of everything. They said food came from foreign land below America--I forget name. Why do they speak English but have menu in other laowai writing? Anyway, it tasted good but needed more spicy.

We finished off the day at very old bar in city. Bars in China don't look like this. I was very unhappy, they did not have Tsingtao. There also were no dice to play drinking game with.

Living Like a Laowai in Lower Manhattan

For some reason, laowai all have to work during Chinese New Year. Why don't they have holiday like all of China? I had to tour New York without the help of my laowai friends. It was very difficult to order laowai food at restaurant. Who is Reuben and why is in my sandwich? Tasted just so-so. I saw many pizza restaurant, but not Pizza Hut. I thought all laowai only ate that pizza. Everyone tells me to eat at Ray's, but too many Ray's to choose.

I took a walk around the city to find the New York Public Library. It's very big and free. I can't believe laowai trust others to return books. I always like to educate more, and reading make improvement. Like I used to say, "Good good study day day up!"

I was very tiring after long flight from China and time with Liberty lady yesterday.

Chairman Hits City; City Stands and Takes It

Chairman Mao has returned from his extended trip to the United States. It was not a good will mission, nor was it diplomatic in any way. It was his holiday, and he did what he wanted. Here are his thoughts:

Greetings comrades,

This was first trip for me to see meiguo. For some reason they like to call it America. Why can't they use Chinese name? Anyway, my laowai friends invited me to visit the big city of New York. I had difficult time following laowai friend because there are too many other laowai in New York.

Our first stop was the big green lady in the river. What's her name again? Oh yeah, Liberty.

I thought it rude that the lady in the water showed me her back side. When we first arrived.

But she made up for it later. She really is a classy lady, but she's too old for Chairman Mao.
Next episode: Chairman does Lower Manhattan.

Chairman's Holiday

Chairman Mao is on holiday in Foreignland America. He's busy seeing the sights on his first visit to the country--the journey will take him around New York, Washington, and other laowai places. He'll share his thoughts and manifestos with his fans as soon as he finds the time.

Beer of Choice

I am new spokes-chairman for greatest Chinese beer company in the world. Great stock choice too. Tsingtao beer is the Chairman's choice. Cheers to comrades and laowai! 干杯！

On the Road with Chairman Mao

I asked MTV to pimp my ride and they gave me this. I can drive around China now.

New Year's Message

Chairman Mao has been nursing a baijiu-induced hangover since Christmas. New Year's Eve didn't help with the recovery. The following is his New Year's message to his fans.

My adoring fans,
Even though it is waiguo new year, China likes celebrate festivals too. We will have Spring Festival soon to celebrate our glorious new year of the rat. 2007 is history. History is the past. Let us look to future. 2008 is now. It is the year of China and year of Olympics in China. Let us warmly welcome our laowai friends and tourist money to see great China history of 5000 years. We will conquer our enemies on the sports field. Only strong Chinese athletes can survive Beijing in summer.