Foreign Celebrity People Are Weak

Chairman Mao recently found foreign news about lazy weak foreigner celebrity Justin Bieber (Chairman Mao still doesn't know if it's boy or girl foreigner). The Bieber went to visiting greatest China invention of Great Wall, but didn't actually walk on it. The Bieber had big foreign bodyguards carry wimpy body like bride in wedding ceremony.

Chairman Mao always saying, "不到長城非好漢" He who has not climbing the Great Wall is not a man. Suppose that answers the question of if the Bieber is boy or girl foreigner.

Laowai's New Gig

Chairman Mao fired his English teacher a while ago. He showed up to class drunk too many times. But in recently times, Mao found that English teacher has a new work in New York's Chinatown. It's nice that laowai teacher learned enough Chinese to find a new work.

Literary Minds Think Alike

Chairman Mao made a new friend on his recently investment tour of New York in an effort to buy the Brooklyn Bridge and many more landmarks. Laird Hunt is a great socialist laowai writer in Foreignland.
He was in New York to promoting new book, Ray of the Star. Chairman Mao doesn't know what this laowai literature is all about, but judging from the title, it must be about how wonderful China is after Mao chased away those capitalist roaders.

The Secret to Great Tasting Fish

Many laowai thinks China is polluted. But laowai invented pollution and forced their capitalist agenda on great China. Any pollution in China is all laowai's fault--we never had any before opening and reforming brought those devils in. That's why Chairman Mao kept all laowai out of China. But China doesn't really have pollutionary problem today. We still have best tasty fish in the world. And that smell from our rivers only serves to remind us of great stinky tofu (tastes as good as it stinks).

Presidentialtality

While in Americaland for foreign friendship tour, Chairman Mao got to discuss internationally economics with former laowai president Sam Adams. We talked China's intellectual property of 5000 year old inventions and copyright infringement repayments by the all laowai that stole great China's technological advances. President Sam offered Mao beer. It tasted pretty good, but it was obviously pirated brewing technology of Tsingtao.

Poet Mao

In recently times, Chairman Mao made new friend with poet. He's from Vietnam but he's not communist, so he must be a capitalist roader. But, Mao thinks Linh Dinh is nice enough to be praised for poetry. Besides, no poet is true capitalist swine--we all know poets are poorer than farmers. Even Mao was once world-famous poet before becoming great famous leader of China. Linh Dinh and Mao both wrote beautiful poetry together.
Swimming

I drank moment ago water
Changsha's and ate fish Wuchang.
Now I cross Yangtze River's great,
looks far distance place open day Chu.
Let wind and the very rough sea waves the attack defeats,
goes far beyond stands by strolls in a courtyard.
Today, I felt relieved.
“This is a class host says --
'therefore, the matter escapes gradually!' "
The sail moves wind.
Turtle and Snake still in.
Great plan in march:
Bridge will fly to north the span and south,
talked about the profound fissure to turn the thoroughfare;
Rock head wall the upstream western area
will hinder Wushan's cloud and rain
until the smooth level of the lake rise narrow canyon.
Woman deity's mountain area, if she still existing
can exclaim in surprise in the world, in order to change.

Secret Chicken Agent

Chairman Mao made a new laowai friend in Guangzhou. Met old foreign colonel who offered some fried chicken from crazy foreign land called Kentucky. I don't know where this Kentucky is, but they grow some tasty chickens there.

After drinking mint juleps in hot Guangdong weather, Chairman Mao could not coax Col. Sanders to hand over state secret recipe for making delicious chicken. Damn the capitalist pigs! Great China will discover secret of chicken and conquer your fast food chain.

When Encountering Laowai

My glorious government of the People's Republic of China has released new guidelines to comrades in the event that they want to approach laowai who enter great land of 5,000 years history. Comrades must be careful not reveal national secrets, but also make laowai feel warmly welcome to spend much money.

1. Do not ask laowai about jobs, money, family unless you can sell to them.
2. Always say "Hello" loadly and clearly to make laowai from all countries know they are warmly welcome in China.
3. Don't ask if laowai can use chopsticks. Just give them plastic knife and fork.
4. Always offer Tsingtao in exchange for pleasant conversation that lasts more than 10 minutes.
5. Don't talk about Fuwa curse.
6. Pretend you don't speak English when any political topic comes up--even if you've been speaking English for last 20 minutes.
7. Laowai can't and never will speak Chinese, so speak to all people of all nations in English.
8. Laowai will always ask directions to McDonald's. You must know where the nearest one is.
9. It is polite to ask for tip after providing directions to McDonald's to fat laowai.
10. If you stare at a foreigner for more than 5 minutes, you will turn into one.