Please Report

Note to all laowai wanting to visit great China capital of Beijing for Olympic games: You must obey our socialist-with-Chinese-characteristics laws and serve our harmonious society. If you do not know the rules, please report to our specially-equipped Public Security Bureau offices for laowai without a clue. You can easily find these offices with our new and improved English signs.

When Encountering Laowai

My glorious government of the People's Republic of China has released new guidelines to comrades in the event that they want to approach laowai who enter great land of 5,000 years history. Comrades must be careful not reveal national secrets, but also make laowai feel warmly welcome to spend much money.

1. Do not ask laowai about jobs, money, family unless you can sell to them.
2. Always say "Hello" loadly and clearly to make laowai from all countries know they are warmly welcome in China.
3. Don't ask if laowai can use chopsticks. Just give them plastic knife and fork.
4. Always offer Tsingtao in exchange for pleasant conversation that lasts more than 10 minutes.
5. Don't talk about Fuwa curse.
6. Pretend you don't speak English when any political topic comes up--even if you've been speaking English for last 20 minutes.
7. Laowai can't and never will speak Chinese, so speak to all people of all nations in English.
8. Laowai will always ask directions to McDonald's. You must know where the nearest one is.
9. It is polite to ask for tip after providing directions to McDonald's to fat laowai.
10. If you stare at a foreigner for more than 5 minutes, you will turn into one.

Driving On

There are many road rules in China that laowai don't understand. They think our drivers have no rules and just drive along as they please, but they're wrong. We have a long and difficult driving test to ensure that our millions of drivers must take the exam many times before passing. Examples can be found at China Drivers Exam.

Must to Follow the Rules

China has many laws that must be translated for the laowai because they don't speak Chinese. This is why I kept laowai out of China--I didn't want to translate for lazy foreign devils.

When going to the beach in China, it is very important to read the directionary signs to know where to go. You can't find the sea without a direction.
When having fun at the beach, you must enjoy the rules. It is for the safety of laowai to not break the laws of China. You also shouldn't eat chou dofu before swimming--it's bad for the fish.