Olympic Hangover

What's a Chairman to do now that Olympic games have left Beijing? What is great dragon China to do with all those Olympic signs?

Chairman Mao has decided to take a rest from watching nonstop sports on CCTV. But, he'll be ready for Paralympic games coming soon. Once again, glorious motherland will rule the sports world and crush capitalist laowai on the field.

Mao has secret plan to defeat those imperialists this time. We have recruited Fuwa. Of course, we had to break their arms and legs after all those disasters that they caused, but they have been rehabilitated to win gold for the glory of China.

Pure Gold

Chairman Mao has been celebrating great China's success in Beijing Olympics. I told you only strong Chinese can survive in Beijing air.
Although watching athletes in glory for motherland is fun, Chairman Mao went for his own gold to beat imperialists at own game. It's not important how old Chairman Mao is, or who lip-synched what anthem, or what sport he kicked capitalist ass in. What's important is that only gold matters to great socialism of China and glorious 5,000 years civilization.

Please Report

Note to all laowai wanting to visit great China capital of Beijing for Olympic games: You must obey our socialist-with-Chinese-characteristics laws and serve our harmonious society. If you do not know the rules, please report to our specially-equipped Public Security Bureau offices for laowai without a clue. You can easily find these offices with our new and improved English signs.

When Encountering Laowai

My glorious government of the People's Republic of China has released new guidelines to comrades in the event that they want to approach laowai who enter great land of 5,000 years history. Comrades must be careful not reveal national secrets, but also make laowai feel warmly welcome to spend much money.

1. Do not ask laowai about jobs, money, family unless you can sell to them.
2. Always say "Hello" loadly and clearly to make laowai from all countries know they are warmly welcome in China.
3. Don't ask if laowai can use chopsticks. Just give them plastic knife and fork.
4. Always offer Tsingtao in exchange for pleasant conversation that lasts more than 10 minutes.
5. Don't talk about Fuwa curse.
6. Pretend you don't speak English when any political topic comes up--even if you've been speaking English for last 20 minutes.
7. Laowai can't and never will speak Chinese, so speak to all people of all nations in English.
8. Laowai will always ask directions to McDonald's. You must know where the nearest one is.
9. It is polite to ask for tip after providing directions to McDonald's to fat laowai.
10. If you stare at a foreigner for more than 5 minutes, you will turn into one.

Getting Up for Olympics

Chairman Mao is very satisfied that big Olympics are coming in Beijing. Very happy that Chinese genetically enhanced superhuman athletes have new ways to beat foreign devils. We will erect many monuments in their honor. Many laowai just can't do it in Beijing. But now, Chairman Mao has learned that Viagra can enhance athletic performance in bedroom and on field. All athletes will surely show their enthusiasm this August.

Friendlies Day

There are less than 100 days until the Beijing Olympics. Excitement is building as the "Holy Flame" has arrived on Chinese soil. Chairman Mao was invited for a photo op with the FuWa. He's very disappointed that he wasn't chosen to carry the torch through Beijing.