Secret Chicken Agent

Chairman Mao made a new laowai friend in Guangzhou. Met old foreign colonel who offered some fried chicken from crazy foreign land called Kentucky. I don't know where this Kentucky is, but they grow some tasty chickens there.

After drinking mint juleps in hot Guangdong weather, Chairman Mao could not coax Col. Sanders to hand over state secret recipe for making delicious chicken. Damn the capitalist pigs! Great China will discover secret of chicken and conquer your fast food chain.

Please Report

Note to all laowai wanting to visit great China capital of Beijing for Olympic games: You must obey our socialist-with-Chinese-characteristics laws and serve our harmonious society. If you do not know the rules, please report to our specially-equipped Public Security Bureau offices for laowai without a clue. You can easily find these offices with our new and improved English signs.

When Encountering Laowai

My glorious government of the People's Republic of China has released new guidelines to comrades in the event that they want to approach laowai who enter great land of 5,000 years history. Comrades must be careful not reveal national secrets, but also make laowai feel warmly welcome to spend much money.

1. Do not ask laowai about jobs, money, family unless you can sell to them.
2. Always say "Hello" loadly and clearly to make laowai from all countries know they are warmly welcome in China.
3. Don't ask if laowai can use chopsticks. Just give them plastic knife and fork.
4. Always offer Tsingtao in exchange for pleasant conversation that lasts more than 10 minutes.
5. Don't talk about Fuwa curse.
6. Pretend you don't speak English when any political topic comes up--even if you've been speaking English for last 20 minutes.
7. Laowai can't and never will speak Chinese, so speak to all people of all nations in English.
8. Laowai will always ask directions to McDonald's. You must know where the nearest one is.
9. It is polite to ask for tip after providing directions to McDonald's to fat laowai.
10. If you stare at a foreigner for more than 5 minutes, you will turn into one.

Shirt of the Times

It's good thing Chairman Mao learning English from fat laowai. Looks like loyal minions are now worshiping glorious leader in new language.

But shirts only come in fat people sizes. Don't fit Mao. Maybe make fat capitalist roaders wear it.

Getting Up for Olympics

Chairman Mao is very satisfied that big Olympics are coming in Beijing. Very happy that Chinese genetically enhanced superhuman athletes have new ways to beat foreign devils. We will erect many monuments in their honor. Many laowai just can't do it in Beijing. But now, Chairman Mao has learned that Viagra can enhance athletic performance in bedroom and on field. All athletes will surely show their enthusiasm this August.

Fire-Breathing Poetry Lovers

Today is Dragon Boat Festival. We celebrate the death of great poet Qu Yuan who was eated by fish despite great Chinese technological technique of throwing rice in water to distract stupid fishes. Nowadays, Dragon Boat Festival is day to row boats and fight dragons that breathe fire and burn our boats by throwing zongzi at them. Maybe we should make boats out of metal.

Fight the dragon splittists! Preserve harmonious society for dragons and boats alike!

Environmentarianism

Chairman Mao says that it is the responsibility of the people to protect the environment.

This Is Not Funny

Chairman Mao would like to extend condolences to the people affected by the earthquake in Sichuan Province.

For anyone looking to help the relief effort, please visit the Red Cross Society of China.
Online donations: www.redcross.org.cn

Book of Regret

Why did I agree to let Quan Yanchi write this book? It was my PR specialist's idea. I should've just sent them both to a labor camp.

Mao-opoly

I love playing the Chinese edition of Monopoly. I always win. I own everything. My competition always gets sent to labor camp. But when did they take my face off the money? What do you mean it's not real money?

Friendlies Day

There are less than 100 days until the Beijing Olympics. Excitement is building as the "Holy Flame" has arrived on Chinese soil. Chairman Mao was invited for a photo op with the FuWa. He's very disappointed that he wasn't chosen to carry the torch through Beijing.

Driving On

There are many road rules in China that laowai don't understand. They think our drivers have no rules and just drive along as they please, but they're wrong. We have a long and difficult driving test to ensure that our millions of drivers must take the exam many times before passing. Examples can be found at China Drivers Exam.

Wealth of Communism

This business seminar is Communist approved by the Chairman himself.

Mao in the City

We now return to our great leader's adventures in America...

After days of travel in New York, I want to find Big Apple I keep seeing. Everywhere it write, "Big Apple." All I see are small apples in shops. Where is this big apple everyone talks about?

I started looking on other side of river in New Jersey. All I saw was many tall buildings in the city. No big apple. And it wasn't in Jersey City either.

After other side of the river, we tried to go through streets. We saw many things of America. Big famous ice skating rink outside was very nice. There are many communist art inside that capitalist building too. But still no big apple.

I thought capitalists must hide such a big apple in Wall Street. After all, that's where all money is to buy such fruit. But still no. I was very upset to not find big apple of New York. But I did get to ride the bull. Weeee!

Sweeping Up

Today is Qingming Jie. To you laowai, it mean Tomb Sweeping Day. This glorious day has a long and famous history just as the glorious history of China. As is known by all Chinese, on this day we clean the tombs to appease our ancestors in the hopes that they won't turn into zombies and eat our brains. It's always scary when that happens.

So, go out and sweep the graves. Make offerings to your ancestors. We don't want more zombies like we had in 1959. It did not help our young communism at the time. Caused many panic across great Chinese motherland. We had to sweep mother's tomb so that she would go back to sleep and not terrorize the proletariat.

Fight the zombie separatists! Preserve the harmonious society!